I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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