I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
