I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
