I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
