I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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