We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
