Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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