it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
