Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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