i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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