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I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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