i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
