So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
