It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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