I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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