Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
