she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
