i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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