i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
