Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
