Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
