you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
