Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
