Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
