I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
