dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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