dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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