im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
