I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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