I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
