Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
