Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
