Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
