so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
