This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
