Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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