Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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