ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
