I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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