I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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