Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you traded sex for a burrito?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
