He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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