that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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