This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
