"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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