I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
