TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
