3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
