drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sorry about my life...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
