I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
