At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
