There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
